so, if you are a believer, i’m not sure if you go through this or not. but in my walk with my Savior, we go through deep valleys and climb the highest peaks, and sometimes the change in altitude makes me drag. sometimes i get overwhelmed by all the up and down. sometimes i desire the flat, easy, ground i once treaded. in these times, i feel distant from God and get frustrated that He isn’t here. like HERE, here. i want to touch Him, and walk with Him, hand in hand. and i become despondent with the distance, and it seems too great for me to bear. so I slowly fall back, I quick hiking so hard, and my feeble attempt at following Him becomes me sitting on the ground pouting.
i was down… pouting hard the last couple of weeks, maybe even months. not with life, but with God. and i finally fell to my knees [respectively, as i was on a plane and could no more kneel than cross my legs... have you flown American Airlines lately??? are you kidding me with the leg room? but i digress.] i begged my heavenly Father to come near to me, as i was desperate to feel Him. i was becoming so very numb. and with this prayer came a flood of, well, everything. i had been on vacation without my kids for 7 days and was missing them like crazy! and i realized my Papa had missed me this much and so much more. He hadn’t left me, He waited patiently for my return, missing my presence when i went days without speaking to Him. and there it is- those words i’ve known since who knows when:
“No man shall be able to stand before you all the days of your life. Just as I was with Moses, so I will be with you. I will not leave you or forsake you.”
and i realized- do i believe this TRUTH? am i living and breathing and relying on this truth? do i keep my wits in the day to day by falling whole heartedly and sobbing into my Father’s unchanging truth??? this is where the distance starts. in my doubt and self sufficiency. in my faith in my husband and our business and his ability to work hard and provide for our family. his love for his family and his work ethic from his thick German heritage and his dairy farmer roots in Kansas. oh no, it is because I am more beloved than the lilies of the field and the ravens!
“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.
“Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.
and it is because of His fatherly love that I have enough grace to make it through the day with my 21 month and 4 month children.
and it is because of Him that i have the wisdom to know when to be silent with my husband and pray for him instead.
and it’s Him when i need the wisdom to decipher between the worlds views of parenting, my mother-in-laws years of experience or my own mother’s training and advice- and knowing when to throw it all to the wind and choose a different path for my family.
and it’s God when i need love for those around me. when i need to support my friends and family, and give charitably when i don’t feel like i can give another moment or hug or kind word.
These are all the times, dear ones, that I need the ever lasting Love of my Lord!!!! And I have missed him, and He has longed for me and He holds me now and strokes my face and will rock me to sleep again tonight. I pray my life can be a witness to you, dear friend, that I am not perfect. I am not whole. My life is not dictated, but directed. Gently. And I am in love with the most amazing king that has ever been , is, and ever will be. He is everything that is good in me. He is my beginning and end.
sweet P being dedicated to her heavenly Father, and us dedicating our lives to teaching her the Good News